Is this real? Is this what I want?

A blast from the past, you were like a shooting star heading my way fast.

Hi you,

It feels like what happened many years ago is gonna repeat itself though I'm hoping it won't.
I wish for us to be normal, and not have to go through all this.

But then I turn around and think to myself..

Do I really love you? Or are you just a distraction? Someone to keep me warm during rainy days?
And do you really mean what you say? Or am I just a doll you can swing around? To please you, to feed you.

I thought I've moved on but seeing your name pop up on my phone just awakens the memories I buried deep in me. You'll always be someone dear to my heart no matter what messy situation we get ourselves in. Thank you for these 2 years; for being a good friend, a good companion and a good lover. We were what used to be and I will cherish what was left of "us" always.

I hope you pick the right path in life. 

I'll miss you, my love.

It's 2016 now & you'd think my post would be about someone else, but it's still about you. Always about you. Sigh. Part of me was hoping that when I visit this old, dusty blog of mine, I would read my old blog posts and realized that "heyyy, a year ago I wasn't writing about you but about someone else!" just to make myself feel better about this whole thing. But deep down I knew.

It's so fucking stupid how we turned out right? I think we lost ourselves, while having "fun" with everyone else. We never realized how everything that we were doing was gonna make the both of us turn our backs on each other. Something we promised we'd never do.  It's fucking stupid how you could just brush me off like I didn't matter. Like I wasn't a part of your life even. It hurts even more when I realized that you were probably just using me. To fill that emptiness in your heart for awhile until someone else, someone better, comes along. We lost ourselves while trying to fix things between us, never realizing how it was pulling us further apart.

If I could take back all the things we did that made us like this now, I would. I'd turn back time to when we were happy and nothing mattered. Back to when you were just a text away & back to when you were my best friend.

To be honest,

I am too tired to continue.
I am tired of waiting.
I am tired of not knowing.
and
I am tired of being scared.